I hear frequently from my clients that they have a very hard time finding many men that they’re attracted to. Now, there’s a difference between not finding many attractive men, or thinking there aren’t a lot of attractive men out there who are available. This is about finding a connection with a man.
Fear Isn’t Your Friend
There could be a few reasons behind someone not connecting with another. You could be still hung up on your ex. You could be attracted to players, or the wrong people. But one of the biggest reasons why this phenomenon keeps happening is pretty simple: you’re afraid.
The hard truth is it’s very difficult to feel any kind of connection if your walls are up because you cannot be open and available to the person across from you.
I know all about fear because I was also afraid of connecting with men. When I was much younger, I wasn’t very open and available, and I found very few men attractive. In fact, the ones that I did find attractive were the ones who had game and were manipulative and were not the right people for me. They were the ones who were able to get past my defenses, because those guys didn’t care that I was guarded. It didn’t matter to them that I had my guard up. But the men that I really would have wanted to have connected with, I wasn’t emotionally available to them. I thought I was, but I can tell you I wasn’t.
For instance, when I was 16, a boy in my class had a crush on me. But I was so uncomfortable with the fact that this boy liked me. Even though he was really cute. A girlfriend of mine was having a party, and he wanted to kiss me, and so he had arranged to be a step above me at the party so he could kiss me.
I just didn’t even know what to do, and so I didn’t make it happen. I avoided him all night. I was so intimidated by this whole thing of boys. Intimidation makes us fearful, which then gets our guard up. Instead of moving forward, we move away. And we particularly move away from things that we don’t understand.
Do You Understand Men?
Which leads me to another point. A lot of women think they’re fearless and fabulous — great. But do you know how to connect with men? If you’re not finding men attractive, if you’re forming that real connection with them, you should ask yourself, “Do I really understand men? Do I really love their company? Do I know what to talk about with a man, or do I just talk?” A lot of women just talk and talk and talk. But it’s important to be engaging and playful if you’re trying to build a connection with a man.
And creating that connection with him isn’t going to look like a Disney movie. A lot of women think if there isn’t fireworks or that movie magic with a man then they’re not attracted to him. But that’s not realistic. So I would look at how your fantasies are holding you back from building a real, emotionally naked connection. If you’re locking onto a fairytale, then chances are you’re fearful of being vulnerable with a man.
Your List is Too Long
Because when it comes to be finding that true connection with a man, you don’t want a long list of “wants and don’t wants” to stop you from having it. Here it is: if you’re having trouble with being attracted to a man, you’re probably being too picky. You might say things like, “He has to be this tall,” or “I can’t be with somebody who’s balding.” You will just keep going through one person after another because of some technicality. And that inability to see the real person and just enjoy that person who might be good for you is fear.
The bottom line is: You have to take a risk when it comes to love. Even if that means dating someone with a beard when you don’t like men with beards. When you’re so walled off and guarded, you’re not taking any risks or chances with men to get to know them, which means you’re not allowing yourself to get emotionally naked and open up to them. And guess what? Of course there’s no spark because that spark comes from that sense of risk and chance and stepping over the edge. That’s what makes dating so exciting. You can’t experience that if you’re playing it too safe.
So if you’re having trouble finding men attractive then ask yourself, what are you afraid of? And then dive into the next date. You just might surprise yourself.
The bottom line is: You have to take a risk when it comes to love.
The hard truth is it’s very difficult to feel any kind of connection if your walls are up because you cannot be open and available to the person across from you.
I would look at how your fantasies are holding you back from building a real, emotionally naked connection.
XO,
