You’re on a date and the chemistry between you is hot. So hot that you find yourself imagining what it would be like to peel that shirt right off him. Naturally, when he proposes taking the date back to his place, you don’t hesitate. After all this is what you want, right?
WRONG! I hate to break this to you but if you’re looking for a committed relationship, you need to put the brakes on when a guy proposes sex. Far too often people are jumping into bed with each other right away (Time Magazine says the average number of dates people have before having sex is 3.53) before establishing any sort of emotional connection. This leads most men to jump ship before a relationship can even get started, and it leaves women feeling used and wondering, “What the hell happened?”
“Sex Becomes the Focus”
What happened is that, by having sex too soon, you make it the focus of your relationship. Don’t let the movies fool you: sex is POWERFUL. Most of the time too powerful for a brand new relationship to withstand. Without a foundation of friendship and shared experiences to lean on, once two people who hardly know each other have sex, what little emotional connection they might have had is lost in sea of hormones and projections. And in case you haven’t noticed, many men do an about face after you’ve had sex with them. That’s because men KNOW women want relationships. Once they’ve had sex – and there’s been no real emotional investment on their part – they’ll ghost early on because they don’t really want to deal with a commitment. Or, they’ll keep coming back for more sex and you’ll get emotionally attached.
“Separating the Good Guys From the Ones Who Only Want to Sleep With You”
So if you want to find out if that new guy is going to commit to you, one who’s as interested in getting to know what’s in your heart and mind as he is getting you into bed, you need to take sex off the table. At least for a little bit. Why? Because every guy who’s horny and attracted to you sounds the same. This means it’s impossible to tell which guys are really interested in getting to know you from the guys that just want to sleep with you. In the beginning, they’re all going to say, “Babe, you’re the most beautiful woman. I’ve never met somebody like you. You’re so amazing.” So how do you tell the difference between them? By saying no to sex and seeing who sticks around.
“You Learn How to Establish an Emotionally Naked Connection With a Man”
If you’ve been using sex as your primary way of connecting with men (which many women do), you want to put the brakes on sex so you can learn how to establish an Emotionally Naked connection first. You want to learn how to really connect at a deep emotional level so that you can open up to each other honestly and beautifully. That only works if you’re seeing each other with your clothes on… at least for awhile. It’s important to build a strong emotionally connected foundation before you have sex because then you know what you share is genuine and real, and not derived from a set of raging hormones. Getting Emotionally Naked with a man is truly the best kind of naked there is, which is why you need to hold off on getting naked naked.
“You Have to Reject Him Without Making Him Feel Rejected”
How do you that? It’s more than telling a guy that you “want to take it slow.” Even if you talk about taking things slowly, once things start to heat up, most guys will try to make a move. It’s up to you to put on the brakes. And when you do, you have to be firm, yet soft. You have to reject him without making him feel rejected.
Men are unbelievably sensitive, and they hate the idea of being rejected as much as women do. You can say to him very playfully, “Wow, you know, you are so hot, and there is nothing I’d rather do that go to bed with you, but the truth is, I’ve tried that before. It doesn’t work, so I want to take the time to get to know somebody first.” Say this in a kind way. Build his ego up, and give some genuine compliments. “You’re really hot. You’re such a great guy. I’d like to just jump into bed with you, but I know that doesn’t work.”
It’s okay to let him know there will be an opportunity for sex. But be clear that it’s not going to happen right NOW. It’s not going to happen, hopefully, until you’ve talked about exclusivity (and you’ll want to watch my video on that).
Ultimately, no one can tell you how long to wait to have sex with a man. You have to decide when the time is right. But I can tell you that it’s best to wait more than 3 or 4 dates to have sex so you can learn how to create an Emotionally Naked connection with a man. You can’t keep using sex as a way to connect because chances are, you’ll never get the type of relationship you REALLY want and deserve that way. Trust me, if I could tell my younger self this advice, I would!
Share your head before you share your bed and you will find out if this man really is as interested in your heart and mind as he is with your body. Because you deserve someone who is.
XO,
