Lisa Shield

Let’s face it: you’ve been in the dating game long enough to know the drill—the endless swiping, the awkward small talk, the disappointment when that promising match fizzles out. You’ve heard all the horror stories, and maybe you’ve lived a few of them, too. The modern dating world can feel like a minefield, and at times, you might wonder if it’s even worth the effort.

But here’s a thought: what if we’ve been looking at it all wrong?

I know, I know. You’re probably rolling your eyes right now. But hear me out. While the digital dating landscape has its fair share of pitfalls, it also offers some unique advantages that we often overlook in our frustration with the process. And one of the biggest game-changers? Video dates.

Think about it. In what other era could you connect face-to-face with potential partners from the comfort of your own home, wearing your favorite sweatpants? When else could you have a first date over a home-cooked meal (even if you’re in separate kitchens)? The convenience and flexibility of video dates are revolutionary, especially for those juggling busy careers.

But it’s more than just convenience. Video dates strip away some of the awkwardness and superficiality of first in-person encounters. Without the distractions of a noisy restaurant or the pressure of immediate physical proximity, you can engage in deeper, more meaningful conversations. You can get to know someone’s values, interests, and personality before meeting in person. Then, when you do meet face-to-face, you feel more at ease because you’ve already made a connection. 

Now, I’m not saying it’s all sunshine and roses. Video dating comes with its own set of challenges. But you have a choice: your attitude towards these challenges can make all the difference.

If you approach video dating with an open and positive mindset, you might be surprised at how much more you enjoy the process. This positive outlook isn’t just about making you feel better (although that’s a great bonus). It actually has a ripple effect on your entire dating experience.

When you’re feeling optimistic, it shows. Your dates will pick up on your good energy, making your interactions more relaxed and enjoyable. You’ll be more likely to see the potential in your matches rather than focusing on what might go wrong. And even if a video date doesn’t lead to a love connection, you’ll let it roll off your shoulders and keep going rather than feeling dragged down by disappointment.

So, how do you cultivate this positive outlook? You choose to focus on the advantages of video dating:

1. It allows for deeper conversations and emotional connections before physical meetups.

2. It offers convenience and flexibility in scheduling.

3. It helps you avoid the awkwardness of going on in-person dates where you feel absolutely no connection.

4. It gives you the chance to present your authentic self in a comfortable environment.

5. It can be a huge timesaver!

If you choose to focus on these advantages, video dating can become a productive and enjoyable part of your dating process.

I know you would love to instantly find your perfect match, but that isn’t what usually happens. So, while you’re out there, you might as well enjoy the journey, learn about yourself, and open up to the possibility of enjoying the company of potential partners. With the right mindset, video dating can become an important step in screening your dates before you invest time and energy in getting dressed up and going out with them.

So, the next time you join a video call with a potential match, take a deep breath and remind yourself of the unique opportunities that lie ahead. Approach each interaction with curiosity and optimism. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate this digital landscape. And above all, remember to have fun with it. 

Choosing to focus on the advantages rather than the disadvantages of video dating can be a game changer. It’s not just about finding love—it’s about enjoying the process, learning about yourself, and making meaningful connections, even if they’re through a screen. Who knows? Your next video date might just be the start of something beautiful.

Taking Radical Responsibility for Your Relationships

By Lisa Shield

One of the things I talk about quite a lot is taking personal responsibility—radical responsibility for your part in relationships and what’s going on. Many therapists, especially couples therapists, talk about how couples are supposed to work through all these issues and problems together. Our issues line up, and we mirror each other.

When I was out in the dating world after my divorce, I realized that I tried that approach with my ex-husband. We struggled constantly, trying to work through our issues together, but it was a constant struggle. We didn’t go to therapy, but I honestly don’t know how much it would have helped.

Taking Control of Emotional Upsets

As I was dating, I started taking responsibility for myself and my emotional upsets. I thought, why not start working through these issues on my own so I wouldn’t have to put that on a partner? I wanted to get rid of as much of my baggage as possible before entering a new relationship. I wanted to walk in free and clear and have fun.

I decided that if someone said or did something that upset me, I wouldn’t react to them. Instead, I would say thank you or thank you for that information, but I wouldn’t get defensive or angry. I started owning my reactions and taking responsibility for my reactivity. I practiced this with everyone, including my dad and brother, who were huge triggers for me.

Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean

In 12-step programs, there’s a concept of keeping your own side of the street clean. It’s not our business to tell other people what to do, but it is up to us to keep our side of the street clean. I decided that I was not going to react and would instead process my feelings privately.

When I got upset, I would go into a room, allow myself to feel my feelings, and then ask myself, “Lisa, what is this triggering in you? What is the belief or feeling? What kind of story are you creating about what this other person might have meant?”

Practicing Emotional Intelligence

At that time, I was also doing a lot of work with Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements,” particularly focusing on not taking things personally and not making assumptions. I practiced these principles vigilantly because I had been such a victim in my life—super codependent and afraid of people. I had little trust and couldn’t have intimacy because I was so frightened of being attacked by people.

By keeping my side of the street clean and not taking things personally or making assumptions, I started gaining control over my emotions and reactions. I would ask myself, “Lisa, how do you want to handle this situation right here, right now?” This question helped me step back and become proactive instead of reactive.

Meeting My Husband

When I met my husband, I knew that I had healed much of my reactivity. I had honed skills that allowed me not to lash out or take things out on him. I vowed that I would not make my husband my therapist. If I had a serious issue or problem, I would seek professional help rather than burden him with it.

My husband has beautiful boundaries and communicates them kindly, which helps maintain a healthy relationship. This approach allowed me to handle my emotions responsibly and independently.

If you’re single, start cleaning up your side of the street. Handle your emotions independently, and don’t expect your partner to fix you. It’s your responsibility to manage your personal growth. Ask yourself, “How do I want to handle this situation?” Avoid making assumptions and taking things personally. Mastering these skills will set you on the path to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Taking responsibility for your emotions and actions is the key to transforming your romantic relationships. Start today, right now, and you will experience the difference it makes in finding and keeping true love.