In a previous post, I discussed that you want to be able to REALLY hear what your date is saying WITHOUT your inner Frenemy judging or putting its negative spin on what’s being said.
Frenemies like to do that. They like to jump in and ruin your dates by telling you all sorts of NASTY things. They do this to keep you SAFE. If you don’t like someone, then you won’t catch feelings and get HURT if they don’t like you back.
But you REALLY do want a partner, so you can’t keep finding fault with EVERYONE.
For that to happen, you need to STOP dismissing what your dates say just because you don’t agree with them. You need to stop jumping to conclusions, dig deeper and get CURIOUS about what’s being said.
Imagine that your date tells you he had to put his DOG up for adoption last year because he started traveling too much for work. If the thought of giving up your own dog is inconceivable to you, you might find yourself JUDGING your date. If, however, you were able to keep an open mind and set your judgment aside, you might ask some questions to get to a DEEPER truth.
What if he was doing this out of LOVE for his dog?
What if he wanted to find a new home where it would get CONSTANT attention and care, something he couldn’t provide at that time.
This EXACT scenario happened to a client of mine. She told me that she went on a date with a guy that she really fancied, but when he told her he put his dog up for adoption, that was the END. She had NO desire to see him again.
Because she said she liked him up to that point, I challenged her to ask him about why he put the dog up for adoption. He told her it was really HARD for HIM, but he knew it was the BEST thing for the DOG. He found the dog a really good home with kids and a yard.
So many potentially GREAT connections are lost at this point. We write someone off without getting to the truth. We make ASSUMPTIONS and then dismiss the other person out of hand without finding out their TRUTH.
A date can be a HIGHLY charged environment. It is easy for one person to say something and the other person to hear something VERY different. For this reason, you NEED to check in with your date from time to time to make sure you heard them correctly. You do this by paraphrasing what they said. “This is what I heard you say? Did I hear you correctly?”
In the STORY of the dog, you might say, “What I heard you say is that giving up your dog was really hard for you, but you thought it was best for the dog.” By checking your perception of what was said, your date will FEEL respected and might even feel inspired to share more.
You can ALSO say things like, “Let me see if I understood you correctly…” “What I gathered from what you said was…” or, “Are you saying that…”
Try these tips on your next date. When YOU check YOUR perception of what is being said, it shows that you are interested and your date will be BLOWN AWAY.
XO,
