FREE TRAINING
FREE TRAINING

Lisa Shield

Why Ghosting Is Good

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Anyone who’s ever dated knows how much it takes to put yourself out there. You really thought about what to say in that email. You crafted precisely-worded texts with extra attention to tone. You likely spent an hour minimum getting ready, and showed up, an uncomfortable mix of vulnerability and Spanx, ready to take a chance.

Given the effort involved, one would hope, out of respect for our shared humanity, that if the other person decides it’s not going anywhere before you do, that they would communicate that in a kind and respectful way.

This is not, as we know, the way it always happens. Sometimes they just stop responding, and slow realization that you have been ghosted pours over you like a thick, bitter ectoplasm.

If this has happened to you, I don’t need to tell you how terrible it feels. But as much as nobody wants to be left holding the smartphone when somebody pulls a drift, the truth is-these things will drag you down into a deep, dark hole if you don’t learn to spin them in a positive way.

I’m here to tell you that GHOSTING, as fun as it isn’t, IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING.

If you think I sound like a Pollyanna for is asking you to see something that sucks that bad in a positive way, may I remind you that this view is also held by the Dalai Lama, the Buddha, and Willie Nelson, but without the backlash. What I am telling you is that if somebody ghosts you, it is ultimately for the best.

Here are a few reasons why:

1) HE’S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU

If somebody isn’t right for you, he’s done you a favor to let you go. If he’s not meant for you, it’s okay if he disappears. We may continue to wish that people would do it in a more honest and compassionate way, but ultimately-if they are going to make an exit, they may as well make it fast. At the end of the day, they are giving you the gift of not wasting your time, and leaving you open for the right person to come in.

2) IT’S AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN

Getting ghosted is an opportunity to practice some of the essential principles of Emotionally Naked Dating. You can use this as an opportunity to speak up, and ask for what you want in a kind and loving way.

Rather than walk away with hurt feelings, reach out to him, and speak your truth. You could say, “I was really enjoying getting to know you, and I thought we had made a connection. I’m sorry that you don’t feel the same. I wish you all the best in your journey. It was lovely getting to meet you.”

When people I’m coaching send these emails, 9 out of 10 times, they get a message back that says, “I’m so sorry, my bad. I should have contacted you. I don’t think we’re a match.”

If the interaction ends this way, then he will have taken responsibility for his actions, and you have taken responsibility for your feelings. It ends with an exchange of human kindness, and you don’t end up carrying around another bag of resentment you don’t need. You may not have changed the outcome, but you have taken control of how the situation ends for you.

You want to date according to your values, and by sending a message in the right way, you create a virtuous cycle by becoming the change you want to see in the dating world.

Another possibility is that he is disarmed by your emotional intelligence, honest and direct, yet generous and loving, that he realizes- “Hey, maybe I’m running away from something here. Maybe we really are a match.”

If you send him that message, and he doesn’t respond at all, he isn’t what you are looking for. The point is that you have the opportunity to hone your own Emotionally Naked voice. This is the voice of love and compassion, and it takes practice and awareness to develop.

One of the biggest problems I see for many couples is that they don’t know how to talk to each other in a way that isn’t painful, attacking, or judgemental. I struggled with this a lot myself, until I realized that what I thought was helping the relationship was actually pushing men away because they didn’t feel safe.

In order to be Emotionally Naked, you need to be able to tell the truth in a way that strengthens, rather than damages the relationship. Once you do this, it creates a safe space where real intimacy can grow.

3) IT MAKES SPACE FOR THE RIGHT ONE

If you’re a really wonderful person with a kind heart, and you handle things in the best possible way- including the occasional ghost, then not only will you be rid of the wrong person faster to make space for the right one, you will have developed your Naked Dating voice to guide you through these experiences, and you will generate a positive, radiant energy around you as you date.

When you feel good about how you’re showing up, and you generate this loving energy, it becomes natural that you will draw that loving energy to you.

If you want to find out more about how to create a playful, loving rapport with a man in a way that is inviting, welcoming, and safe, let’s jump on a call. Click here to schedule a free one-hour breakthrough session.

And in the meantime, lay off Pollyanna. She never really got the credit she deserves. In fact, if you haven’t, go watch the movie. It’s beautiful.

XO,

Loving Yourself on Valentine’s Day

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As we enter the last few weeks of deep winter, some of us will be battening down our hatches for a different type of storm that will soon be rolling in. You know the one. The one that barricades all the poor minions of Singledom into a psychic deprivation tank and then bombards them with images of other people in love.

I’m talking, of course, about Valentine’s Day.

Now, if you are a person who is in any way satisfied with being single, and you can comfortably opt out of the occasion altogether, I applaud you. But I also know that there are so many women out there, including myself in some of my single years, for whom February 14 is a big, heart-shaped box of pain and misery.

If that particular day on your calendar happens to be marked with a skull and crossbones, here are three things you can do to go from survive to thrive during Hurricane Val:

1. PLANT YOUR SEEDS

Let’s begin from a historical perspective. Valentine’s Day as we now know it evolved out of an ancient Roman fertility festival where men would sacrifice a goat, cut its’ hide into strips, dip them in the sacrificial blood, and then run around naked slapping the women and the crops with them. 

Soooo, even if you spend V-Day on your couch crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while watching ‘Love, Actually’, you’re still waaay better off than our Foremothers. So, there’s that.

The deep midwinter is also a time in the natural cycle of life where things begin to grow underground that will come to fruit in the spring harvest. Make a day for yourself to plant the seeds of your clear intentions and desires, and then send them out into the universe.

Make a vision board with quotes and images of your ideal love relationship.Be specific. What does the guardian of your soul look like? What does his voice sound like? Where is he from? Do a visualization where you see him, and ask him to come to you. Write him a letter. The more you can make that love manifest in your mind and heart, the more you will draw those energies to you. 

2. LOVE YOUR DAMN SELF

Seriously. This is an important practice to cultivate. In order for our bodies to be healthy and thrive, it is essential that we learn to shower them with positive loving energy. 

Take the day to thank your body for everything it does for you. Go to a spa. Get a massage. Buy yourself a pair of cashmere pants. Seriously, buy yourself a pair of cashmere pants. Go for a hike or a long walk in nature and saturate yourself with oxygen. Honor your body’s intelligence and beauty.You are the universe expressing itself.

3. LOVE THE ONES YOU’RE WITH

We cannot underestimate the power of friend-love. Our friends keep us going, our friends except us, our friends make us more truly ourselves. There is no reason not to also be emotionally naked with your friends, in fact, it’s really good practice.

Make a Valentine date with a friend or three. Go somewhere nice. When the first round of drinks comes, go around the table and tell each friend what you love about them. Thank them.

Even the laws of physics now show us that gratitude vibrates at a higher frequency than most other emotions, and increases our bodies energy field. Cultivate the love of your friends and that positive energy will attract more love to you.

Whether you do one, all, or even some small measure of these things, some simple shifts in perception can keep your Valentine’s Day from becoming the dreaded Lovepocalypse it may have been in the past, and instead be a meaningful day of reflection and gratitude.

If you’d like to schedule a free one-hour breakthrough call with me, click this link so I can show you how to make sure that, next year, you will be celebrating V-Day with the man of your dreams!

Until then, sending you a heart shaped box of Nakedness.

XO,

How to Simplify Your Search For Love

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Do you pride yourself on being a multitasker? Do you find yourself always going and doing and rushing around?

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be productive and get a lot done, but doing too much at one time can be

counterproductive, especially when it comes to your search for love.

I have a client who we’ll call Olive for anonymity’s sake. She is one of those super high-energy women who literally can’t

sit still. When I am doing my group Zoom Meeting calls for my private 12-week love coaching program, Emotionally

Naked Dating, I can see Olive fidgeting in her little box on the screen. She is up and down the entire time. Olive has

bragged to me about how she’s a “doer.” When I spoke to her during our one-on-one coaching calls, she told me she was

excited about the transformation, she was experiencing through my course. But each time we talked, she would also tell

me about some other weekend class or lecture she signed up for in addition to my course. When I asked her why she

was putting all of these other things on her plate, she said that working with me had made her realize how much work

she has to do on herself and she is just trying to get it all done.

“I love your passion, Olive,” I said, “but have you ever thought about just focusing on the work we’re doing? I’m actually

giving you a lot of material, and it would be more productive if you were to focus on getting the most out of our work

before starting something new.”

Like Olive, when you try to learn too many new things at once it becomes a law of diminishing returns because you don’t

give yourself enough time to assimilate what you’ve learned before going on to the next thing. Just because you hear

information and understand it, that doesn’t mean you’ve learned it. Have you noticed that you can read books or watch

endless Youtube videos about how to find love and, still, nothing changes? Shifting old, unwanted behaviors isn’t as

easy or as automatic as you might think because your patterns can be deeply ingrained from as far back as childhood.

The only way to truly integrate a new approach to life is by putting that theory into practice until it becomes a new

behavior. More often than not, it takes time and conscious effort to replace our old behaviors with more positive,

productive ones.

Integrate One New Concept at a Time

I can understand why the idea of doing one thing at a time was foreign to Olive because I was once like her. But I’ve

since learned that when we focus on integrating one new theory rather than many, we actually move forward much

faster. It isn’t necessary to waste more time gathering hundreds of tools. It is more effective to perfect the ones the

ones we already have.

If you truly want to simplify your search for love, the best way to do that is by choosing one path or program and learning

to do it well… and quitting isn’t an option.

Stay With What You Don’t Know

It’s human nature to get easily frustrated, tell yourself “this isn’t working,” and then quit when you don’t get instant

results. But as you stay the course and attempt to master that one new behavior, no matter how challenging or boring it might seem, you will grow in ways you never could have imagined.

A true master will tell you that mastery does not come when you expect it to. It comes as a result of sticking through

those boring or difficult times, for that’s when you’re actually growing, even if you don’t think you are.

One of the highlights of my spiritual journey was when I studied with Don Miguel Ruiz. He’s written some wildly popular

self-help books, including The Four Agreements. Eighteen years ago, when I realized I didn’t need a million tools to

work with, I decided to use the ones I already had. Because of my work with Don Miguel, the obvious choice for me was

to apply The Four Agreements to my search for true love. In case you don’t know them, The Four Agreements are:

 

Be Impeccable in Your Word

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Don’t Make Any Assumptions

Always Do Your Best

At face value, these agreements might sound simple, but I assure you mastering them is not.

I committed to practicing each agreement for 3 months for a total of a year. I started with “Don’t Take Anything

Personally.” It’s the second agreement, but I chose to work with that one first because that had always been my greatest

challenge in life. In my younger years, I was extremely defensive and took everything personally.

For three months I looked at my dating life through the lens of not taking anything personally. I suggest you try this too.

When something disturbed or upset me, I would ask myself, “How am I personalizing this?” “What is this triggering

inside of me?” “Is this touching on an old wound?” “What do I need to look at here?”

Keep Going Deeper

To deepen my understanding of what it means to not take things personally, I read and reread the notes I’d taken in the

lectures I’d attended with Don Miguel. Each time I read over them, I found new and deeper meanings. My

understanding of what I thought I’d heard the first time grew as I became more skilled and less defensive.Three months

later, I added “Don’t Make Any Assumptions” to my practice. You’ll want to also give this a try. When I looked at my

dating life through this lens, I began to see all of the many assumptions I was making about men, what they were

thinking, who they are, what motivates them, and what they wanted from me as a woman. I realized that so much of what

I thought about the opposite sex was based on the theories and stories my girlfriends had told me and not on any my

own experience with men.

As I let go of my assumptions, I began to open up to a whole different understanding and way of relating to men. This

proved to be a definitive turning point in my search for my life partner. I stopped being afraid of men and started to have

compassion for them. I saw that they are people too with just as many unique fears and desires as we have, and I began

to search for and find the sweet balance between us.

After this, I explored Being Impeccable in Your Word and then Always Do Your Best. Instead of skimming the surface, I

delved deep into each agreement, allowing them to inform and shape the way I dated. Th impact of applying the four

agreements to my dating life was simple yet profound, and by the end of my first year of dating I was considerably

calmer, more emotionally open, and more comfortable with men than I was when I had first started.

Make Your Own Plan

It may seem that learning many things at once would be the fastest way to get to where you want to go. But scientists

say that multitasking isn’t even possible. The human brain can only focus on one thought or idea at a time.

The bottom line is that you don’t need to read endless books or have hundreds of tools in your toolbox. You need to

start applying the information and tools you already have. Try taking out your notes from that dating course you did last

year or open that book you read on understanding men while on your beach vacation. Review the parts you highlighted

and do the exercises you skimmed over. Make a step-by-step plan for how you will start to apply the things that stood

out to you to your dating journey.

Achieve Mastery

The master doesn’t tell herself that she is a master. She knows that mastery is never-ending and there will always be

deeper layers of understanding to unfold and explore. If you read something new and think, “Oh, I get it!” you have only

achieved an intellectual understanding of that idea. To master it, you must put it into practice in your dating life over and

over again until it becomes integrated into your very being.

After I met my husband, I asked him why we have such a peaceful relationship and we almost never argue or fight. I was

pleased when he gave me his answer. He said, “It’s because you don’t take anything personally.” Then he laughed and

said, “I think you might do ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally’ better than Don Miguel.” Benjamin’s acknowledgment came

many years after I had set out to master this skill but I accepted it wholeheartedly, knowing I had earned it and that, for

the most part, it was true.

XOXO,

Make 2019 the Year of Receiving!

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Happy New Year!

I want to wish you a beautiful, joyous, love-filled 2019. I hope this is the beginning of the most magical year of your life.  Imagine if THIS could be the year you find that one special person I call a Guardian of Your Soul.  

Even if you don’t believe me, the truth is there’s an amazing man out there, and he’s searching for YOU right now!  But to find him, you need to start to open your heart and mind to receive his love.

If you’ve been following my videos and listening to what I’m saying, you are already discovering how to get Emotionally Naked and find true love with nothing to hide. This is my amazing process where I show you how to take down your emotional walls so that, when you finally meet your man, you be open and ready to receive his love.  

I know most of you are already good at giving love.  The problem is you’re not always as good at receiving love.  That is about to change!  I am officially declaring 2019 the Year of Receiving Love.  Right now I want you to close your eyes, take three long slow deep breaths.  Then, I want you to say the flowing statement aloud three times: “I am ready to receive the love that is, and has been, all around me and invite a Guardian of My Soul into my heart.” 

One of the most common ways I see women block love is by talking about how much they want a man but don’t really need one.  The other day I was speaking to a woman who said, “Of course, I want to find love but I’m also very independent and I don’t need a man.” 

Have you heard yourself saying something similar? “I don’t need a man to do anything for me.  I’m an independent woman and I can take care of myself.   Sure it would nice to have a man in my life, but I really don’t need a man.”  Even if it’s true that you can meet your own needs, when a man is in love with you he wants to feel like you need him to take care of you.

Many women tell me that they are afraid of being vulnerable with a man for fear of seeming needy.  But just because you admit to having needs, that doesn’t make you needy.  Two people must feel needed by one another to feel safe taking down their walls and creating a secure, intimate, romantic bond.  Men and women may have different gifts to offer each other in a relationship, but these gifts are equally important. 

I get it.  It’s scary.  You don’t want let just any man in.  But I’m guessing you do want to let the right man in.

When I was much younger, I could provide for myself in almost every way.  I told myself I didn’t want to be one of those needy girls who manipulate men into doing things for them, but down deep, I longed to feel treasured and adored by a man.  

My first husband was a pathological liar with constant money problems.  I made excuses for him and stayed with him for 13 years because I didn’t feel I deserved better.  

There were signs from the very beginning that I was settling.  One of the most glaring is when we went to the jewelry mart in downtown Los Angeles and each paid $60 for our gold wedding bands. He didn’t even offer to buy my ring for me. What was my second clue?

Don’t do what I did.  Don’t tell yourself you don’t need a man to take care of you. Because you’re only going to get what you ask for, right? 

It took me 41 years to discover that having a man who wants to take care of me is delightful.  When we allow a man to show up and take care of us, it brings out HIS masculinity and it gives him a chance to show up and be our hero. How sweet is that? 

A lot of women tell me they just want a man to take the initiative and do things for them without having to ask.  I had a client who comes from a very wealthy family here in Los Angeles.  She really didn’t need a man to do anything for her. Her father literally gave her everything she could possibly want. Then, her girlfriend started dating her boyfriend’s best friend.  This guy was doing everything for her friend — getting her gifts, taking her on fancy vacations and out to pricey restaurants.  Seeing her girlfriend being taken care of this way made my client realize that she did need her boyfriend to do things for her.  She could see how it would make her feel treasured and adored.  

I told her, “If you want those things, then you’ve got to put it out there and ask for it.  If you don’t, he’s can’t read your mind.  If you never tell him what you need, he is going to assume everything is okay.”  

That’s how this works, ladies. You have to drop hints about what you want or a man might now know how to please you.  

I told her, “Look, if you see something in a shop that you think is beautiful, just say, ‘Wow, that’s really lovely. I would love a wallet like that,’ or ‘Look at how gorgeous that dress is. How do you think it would look on me?'”

And this is where the fun begins!  You’ll see that, when a man is really in love with you, he will buy you gifts and do nice things for you because he thinks it will make you happy.  And that’s what a man lives to do when he is in love with you.  His greatest joy is making YOU happy.

I can’t even tell my husband, Benjamin, that I saw something I liked because he’ll go out and get it for me. I’m not kidding.  It happened when I got excited about a particular car I saw in front of our house.  I said, “Wow!  I love this car.”  Two weeks later, on my birthday, that Jaguar XK was parked in MY driveway! 

Can you see how fun it is to need a man and let him do sweet things for you?  Sure, I could have bought that car for myself, but it’s not the same as having him buy it for me.  Can you imagine the thrill of having him hand me a little wooden box engraved with my name on it, finding the key inside, and then seeing the car!  But before this could happen I had to admit that I needed a man in my life so I could be willing to receive his love. 

So, are you ready to stop pushing love away and start admitting that you need a man to cherish and adore you and do nice things for you?  Are you ready to start asking for what you want?   Do you understand that, when you do this, it’s a gift because it lets men know what they can do to make you happy… and that is exactly what they want to do?

If so, it’s time to start saying “yes” to whatever men have to offer you… except for sex on the first date… or a second, third or fourth date.  You don’t need to say “yes” to that!

Alright, ladies!  Let’s all raise our glasses and drink a toast to making to the best year of your life and the best year of your love life. Welcome to 2019 The Year of Receiving!

Warmest regards,

Owning Your Self-Worth

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Like most of the women I coach, you probably have a wonderful life — friends who adore you, a career that you love, and a beautiful home.  And you have every right to feel damned proud of your accomplishments. But still, despite everything you’ve done, you can’t seem to attract a quality man.  Not only doesn’t this make sense, but it must also feel horribly unfair. Especially when you watch other women who are not nearly as attractive or accomplished as you are living the life of YOUR dreams — getting engaged and married, traveling to exotic places with their guys, and having babies.  How is it possible that you can’t find just one guy that you’re crazy about and who wants to share his life with you?

I feel your pain and frustration, and I know you want answers.  So let me tell you what’s really going on. The issue here is that you are not owning your self-worth… at least not when it comes to men.  You are perfectly fine believing in yourself when it comes to the rest of your life, but you haven’t been able to channel that same level self-confidence into your love life… yet.

You’re probably thinking, “But I don’t have a problem with my self-worth. I really like who I am and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.” Most of my clients say the same thing.

But here’s the deal, if you are blaming the dating sites, bad timing, or whatever, for your lack of success on men, then you are in victim mode.  I know. I just used the “v” word, but it’s true. If you are playing the blame game, you are in victim mode which means you are not operating from a place of self-confidence.  I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re in victim mode. It’s because, right now, there’s a mean, critical voice in your head that I call your Frenemy and it’s running the show.

Here’s the deal, a truly self-confident woman who knows she’s all that AND a bag of chips doesn’t blame anyone or anything for where she is in her life.  Why? Because she’s tuned in to a different inner voice, the one I call your Naked Dater. This is confident, encouraging voice tells her she’s capable of creating ANYTHING she puts her mind to, whether it’s a gorgeous home, a dinner party that people are still talking about, a new business that will make a difference in the world, or charming that dreamy man sitting across from her on a date.  It’s supportive and it helps her gets things done. And, if she can’t figure something out herself, it tells her it’s okay to ask for help. The one thing it doesn’t do is encourage her to sit around and play the blame game.

No one knows how hard dating can be more than me.  For most of my life, I was a disaster when it came to dating, relationships, and men.  And like many of you, I spent a lot of time letting my Frenemy run wild and get me to blame the outside world for my problems. No matter how amazing I tried to tell myself I was, my Frenemy kept stopping me from doing the one thing that mattered most to me: attract an amazing man.  Anytime I sat in front of a man I found attractive, my Frenemy ripped me to shreds and caused my inflated sense of self-confidence to fall flat.

Finally, right before my 40th birthday, I figured it out that I needed to get a handle on that voice.  I decided to make up my own inner guide, one who was the opposite of my Frenemy. I gave my Frenemy a name, Hudy, after my grandmother, Helen, and my mother, Judy.  I named my inner guide my Naked Dater.

My Naked Dater is wise and compassionate and kind.  I told me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that it’s only a part of what attracts men, and it encouraged me to study these self-confident women.  I asked myself, “What do they have that I don’t have? Where does their self-confidence come from? What is it about them that is so captivating to men?” Listening to this new voice led me to a whole new way of being on dates with men.   

So, now it’s time for you to start listen to your Naked Dater and start showing up as the woman you are in the rest of your life.  Let’s explore into the mindset of a truly confident woman who is letting her Naked Dater be her guide and see how she truly thinks about men and finding love.

She Doesn’t Date Half-Assed

I hear this scenario all the time, “Oh, I just went on Bumble, and I just wanted to see…” So you threw up a picture and you didn’t really put much time into your profile. You had a few conversations, but nothing major. Basically, you were dabbling. And, so, of course, the results you got weren’t that great, and now you’ve sworn off online dating because it didn’t work for you. Most importantly, you don’t have to feel like you failed because you never really tried.

A confident woman isn’t tentative.  She doesn’t just dip her toe in the water.   Whether she’s meeting people online or offline, she plays full out.  She walks out of the house dressed for success… meaning she doesn’t run around in athleisurewear 24/7.  She dresses the part of a sensual, successful, single to make sure she stands out in a crowd and gets male attention!  She also puts real effort into dating the apps and websites and doesn’t play games. She checks the sites regularly, initiates with the guys who grab her attention, she writes back immediately.  She goes for what she wants.

She Let’s Things Roll off Her Back and Keeps Going

Right now, if I were to ask you how your dating is going, there is a good chance you would launch into a whole story about how awful it is out there. You might illustrate your point by sharing about the last couple of guys who ghosted you online or how you get hit on by all these much younger and older men. You would tell me how you just want to meet someone in the real world, organically, like you did when you were in college.  Look, it can be rough out there, but I don’t care who you are, everyone has to deal with the same s*#t. That’s just the way it is.

I go to a popular gym in LA.  One day I heard a very handsome man next to me talking to his trainer about how some woman ghosted him.  I started to laugh and told the guy I am a dating coach and that my clients would find it funny to know that someone like him had been ghosted.  Later my trainer said to me, “Do you know what that was?” I didn’t. He said, “You know Grey’s Anatomy?” Never watch the show. “Well, THAT was McSteamy.”  Case in point. This kind of thing happens to EVERYONE. Get over it.

A confident woman doesn’t try to use male attention to prove who she is. She knows who she is.  If a guy ghosts her, she may sit back and say, “Damn. He was hot. I was really liking this one. I wonder what happened.” But she doesn’t say, “This keeps happening. Why can’t I find a good guy? There must be something wrong with me? ” She doesn’t blame external factors when things don’t work out and she doesn’t take rejection personally.  She sees disappointment as an inherent part of the dating process and keeps going because she knows that it’s only a matter of time before she finds love.

She Believes It Will Work Out for Her

Women who lack confidence and are victim mode are always on the verge of giving.  With every mounting disappointment, their shame around being single increases, their fire diminishes, and they become less attractive.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Perhaps the biggest tell-tale sign of a confident woman is that she knows that she will find what she’s looking for.  It might take a little time for that to happen. It could be six months or a year, but she believes that it will happen to her. Why? Because she knows she’s worthy of finding that true love. She realizes that her self-confidence is a reflection of her belief that she is loveable.  

And that’s the whole thing, right? If you’re radiating that confident, easy energy then that’s only going to expedite the whole dating process for you. When you truly embrace who you are and know you’re worthy of having that beautiful relationship you want, then men will naturally be attracted to you… and a self-confident woman understands that this is how it works.

She Seeks Out a Professional

Women who are in victim mode and see the world as against them don’t see a way out of their situation.  They feel that they are just one of the unlucky ones and, after a while, they decide that love and partnership just weren’t in the cards for them and they let the most important part of life slip through their hands.

A woman who knows her self-worth is the kind of woman doesn’t have time to waste playing games or figuring things out on her own.  She’d rather just hire professionals to write her a stellar profile and take professional pictures so she gets it right from the start.  She’s determined to get results. She sees nothing weak or wrong in asking for help. She’s able to see that she’s not perfect, there are gaps and blind spots in her knowledge, so she wants to make herself even more confident by going after what she wants with the best information and advice possible.

Don’t let that fear — or what I call the Frenemy — stop you from having the love you seek. You’ve got to switch that fearful voice into the empowering and confident voice of your Naked Dater.  If you want to find out how to stop playing the victim, start dating like the kick-ass woman you really are, and meet the man of your dreams in 2019, let’s jump on a call. Book a breakthrough coaching session with me.

Xo,

I Finally Figured It Out

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When I posted my first dating profile online fifteen years ago, one of a handful of qualities I was looking for in my future partner was that I wanted him to be “a man in a man’s body.” I finally figured it out, but it wasn’t easy to find him. Most of my previous partners looked like men on the outside, but they were just boys on the inside. This time I wanted to attract a man who looked and acted like a grownup.

Don’t get me wrong. Most of my exes would have said the same thing about me. I’m sure they felt I had some growing up to do, too… and they would have been right. When it comes to relationships, we attract people who are at our same level of consciousness. So, I knew that if I was going to attract the kind of man I wanted, I needed to stop behaving like a needy, controlling, insecure girl and become a level-headed, self-assured, grown-ass woman.

Change is not a dirty word

I know. We all want to be loved and accepted just the way we are. Yet, it stands to reason that if the men you want to attract don’t find you attractive, then you have to ask yourself what you need to change in order to be attractive to them.

Had I met my current husband two years earlier, when I first started dating, I know he wouldn’t have been attracted to me. But by going out on dates with almost 100 different men, I was able to gain a better understanding of how the opposite sex thinks and I grew into the woman I am today—strong and capable, but also kind, caring, appreciative, compassionate, passionate, forgiving, and playful. I also attracted the “man in a man’s body” of my dreams.

How I emasculated men

Through dating I discovered that much of my behavior with men was counterproductive. A real turning point for me was when I finally realized that if I wanted a man to take the lead, I had to let him. When I was younger, I would encourage a man to take charge and then tell him how he did it wrong. Wasn’t that nice of me? Or, I would get frustrated when I didn’t think he was doing something right and take things into my own hands. I can only begin to imagine how emasculating this would have felt to a man who was trying to get close to me.

Many of my female clients tell me that they would love to find a “take charge” kind of guy, an alpha male who just knows how to assume the lead. The problem is that many women are so busy trying to run the show that, even if some man wanted to take charge with them, he wouldn’t be able to. Like me, they say they want a man who knows how to lead, but they won’t relinquish control. And here’s the real issue: when a man has feelings for a woman, he tries to make her happy. If a woman seems frustrated and displeased when he does something to try and impress her, he will give up control and let her take over, thinking that’s what she wants. It’s a catch-22, ladies.

I didn’t figure all this out until I was 40 years old. This was sad because I longed to find a man who was safe and would take the lead. I never realized that, until I let go and let a man take the lead, this wasn’t possible. My need to control situations and have it my way made it impossible for the men around me to take charge.

Appreciation is everything

So how did I fix this? I shifted my perspective. I decided that I wanted to empower the men around me and treat them with respect. So, I went on my dates and began to look for what I liked about each of them. I started to value men and appreciate their efforts. I stopped expecting them to treat me a certain way and started to see everything they did for me as a gift. Even if it wasn’t right for me, I appreciated the efforts they made. One man took me to dinner at Marie Calendar’s. That’s so not my style, but he bought me dinner and I thought it was kind for him to do that. The younger me would have felt insulted. Just because I began to look for the good and be thankful for what a man did for me, it didn’t mean that I was willing to go for any guy who bought me dinner. I was still looking for my guy, for the one who bought me dinner at a place where I felt comfortable. Still, the more appreciation I showed, the more inspired men were to take the lead and treat me well. It was a win-win for everyone.

If you want to stop sabotaging your dating, learn how to get emotionally naked, and find the man of your dreams click here to book a complimentary consult and find out how I can help.

Warmest regards,

LESSONS YOU’LL LEARN THROUGH EVERY DATING EXPERIENCE

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In a recent coaching session, my client, Alexa, asked a question that I’m sure every woman who’s dating has contemplated at one time or another.  Alexa is a young mother with a beautiful baby boy. Here’s what she said: “Lisa, I’m really having a real dilemma because I realized that I don’t want to take time away from my son if it’s not for a really good reason. If I go on a bad date, I get bummed out. I’d much rather stay at home with my little guy. It’s making me feel burned out with dating.  Is there a way to vet these guys before I go out with them?”

I’m sure most of you can relate to her dilemma. Whether you’re a single mother yourself or a busy professional, your time is precious. I mean, who wants to go out on a bunch of dates that wind up going nowhere, especially if you could have prevented it. You need to be able to suss them out first, right?

A few things emerged from that coaching session that I thought you… and, really, any woman in the dating world should know.

#1 Get Him On the Phone and REALLY Listen to His Tone of Voice  

So first things first.  You know that thing you hold in your hand much of the day?  It’s called a smartPHONE for a reason. I know a lot of you don’t like actually using it to talk to people, but when it comes to dating, you are making a HUGE mistake by not speaking to a man before you meet him, even if it’s just for a few minutes.  

Why do you want to do this? Because you need to hear his tone of voice. Does he sound up or down? Happy or depressed? It is extremely important that you listen to the way he ends his sentences. When someone is depressed or negative, his voice will go down at the end of a sentence.  If someone is happy and positive, his voice will go up at the end of a sentence. When you hear a man’s voice, you are able to get a sense of his energy and vibe right away, and if you don’t like it?  Don’t go out with him.

I decided not to go out with several guys because I didn’t like the tone of their voice and I thought they sounded negative. I remember one guy who asked me how my dating was going and then proceeded to tell me HIS bad dating stories.  I finally interrupted him using my favorite line, “Can I pause you for a second?”  And then I said, “I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time, but you just don’t sound very optimistic about dating and I don’t think it would work with us.”  

He was shocked and said, “So you’re not going to go out with me?”  

I kept my tone light, but I said, “No.  I’m not, but I wish you all the best.” Another bullet dodged!

#2 Vetting Questions

Okay, so you talked to him. His voice and his energy didn’t turn you off. Now what? I suggested to Alexa that she come up with three questions she could use to sum up a man quickly.  These questions should be based on her interests or values.

Part 1:  Interests  

You an your future partner will be spending much of your free time together, so you want this person to be your ultimate playmate.  After all, you are going to be spending a lot of playing together. I’ve coached many couples who didn’t have shared interests and struggled to find fun things to do together.  This created a lot of stress on their relationship.

With that in mind, I asked Alexa to think about her personal likes and dislikes, the things she loves and hates to do so she could quickly determine whether their interests line up.     

For example, you might say to a guy, “Hey, if we were going to go away for a weekend, would you rather just throw some stuff together, pack up our car and go camping or would you like to go wine tasting in Los Olivos?” You want to chose something you love to do and something you could never see yourself doing.  So, if you like doing things like going wine tasting for the weekend and he picked that option, you might go on a date with him. But if he jumped on that camping idea, no way.

Personally, I’m not into sports.  I would not be interested in going on a date with a guy to watch a football game or a baseball game. It will never be and has never been how I want to spend my time.  So, I would say to a guy, “Hey, imagine it’s Sunday afternoon. Would you prefer to catch a Clippers game or go out and have cocktails by the beach?” I’m more of a “cocktails by the beach kind of gal” than the type of person who goes to watch a sporting event of any kind. It’s just not going to happen.  

If a guy is into sports, he can go do that with his friends.  If he is into sports AND camping, I would feel safe saying we’re not a match.  And it’s not just about the activities themselves. 

Part 2: Values

Another important thing to consider in your vetting process are your core values or fundamental belief.  These are issues or topics or values that define who you are. Maybe it’s something political. A good question would be about choosing church over Sunday brunch. So you might ask him, “Hey, on a Sunday, would you rather go to church or go for brunch?”

If the guy picks brunch and you’re a regular church-goer, you may think, “Well, this guy doesn’t share my same priorities.” And you just saved yourself time from going out on a date with someone who doesn’t share you same values.   

These should all be either/or questions.  Do you prefer option A or option B?

Separating the Studs from the Duds

Alright, it’s your turn.  Go grab a pen and paper or a seat at your computer and create three either/or question based on your interests or core values that you can use to vet your dates.  There’s a reason why you want to have three questions. If a guy is into sports, he can go do that with his friends. If he is into sports AND camping, you would feel safe saying we’re not a match. You are looking for at least two out of three.  Two “yeses” and you give the guy a chance. Two “noes” and he’s out!

Now with your three questions, you no longer have to worry about wasting time on another date again!

Warmest regards,

What to Do When You’re Rarely Attracted to Men

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I hear frequently from my clients that they have a very hard time finding many men that they’re attracted to. Now, there’s a difference between not finding many attractive men, or thinking there aren’t a lot of attractive men out there who are available. This is about finding a connection with a man.

Fear Isn’t Your Friend

There could be a few reasons behind someone not connecting with another. You could be still hung up on your ex. You could be attracted to players, or the wrong people. But one of the biggest reasons why this phenomenon keeps happening is pretty simple: you’re afraid.  

The hard truth is it’s very difficult to feel any kind of connection if your walls are up because you cannot be open and available to the person across from you.

I know all about fear because I was also afraid of connecting with men. When I was much younger, I wasn’t very open and available, and I found very few men attractive. In fact, the ones that I did find attractive were the ones who had game and were manipulative and were not the right people for me. They were the ones who were able to get past my defenses, because those guys didn’t care that I was guarded. It didn’t matter to them that I had my guard up. But the men that I really would have wanted to have connected with, I wasn’t emotionally available to them. I thought I was, but I can tell you I wasn’t.

For instance, when I was 16, a boy in my class had a crush on me. But I was so uncomfortable with the fact that this boy liked me. Even though he was really cute. A girlfriend of mine was having a party, and he wanted to kiss me, and so he had arranged to be a step above me at the party so he could kiss me.

I just didn’t even know what to do, and so I didn’t make it happen. I avoided him all night. I was so intimidated by this whole thing of boys. Intimidation makes us fearful, which then gets our guard up. Instead of moving forward, we move away. And we particularly move away from things that we don’t understand.

Do You Understand Men?

Which leads me to another point. A lot of women think they’re fearless and fabulous — great. But do you know how to connect with men? If you’re not finding men attractive, if you’re forming that real connection with them, you should ask yourself, “Do I really understand men? Do I really love their company? Do I know what to talk about with a man, or do I just talk?” A lot of women just talk and talk and talk. But it’s important to be engaging and playful if you’re trying to build a connection with a man.

And creating that connection with him isn’t going to look like a Disney movie. A lot of women think if there isn’t fireworks or that movie magic with a man then they’re not attracted to him. But that’s not realistic. So I would look at how your fantasies are holding you back from building a real, emotionally naked connection. If you’re locking onto a fairytale, then chances are you’re fearful of being vulnerable with a man.

Your List is Too Long

Because when it comes to be finding that true connection with a man, you don’t want a long list of “wants and don’t wants” to stop you from having it. Here it is: if you’re having trouble with being attracted to a man, you’re probably being too picky. You might say things like, “He has to be this tall,” or “I can’t be with somebody who’s balding.” You will just keep going through one person after another because of some technicality. And that inability to see the real person and just enjoy that person who might be good for you is fear.

The bottom line is: You have to take a risk when it comes to love. Even if that means dating someone with a beard when you don’t like men with beards. When you’re so walled off and guarded, you’re not taking any risks or chances with men to get to know them, which means you’re not allowing yourself to get emotionally naked and open up to them. And guess what? Of course there’s no spark because that spark comes from that sense of risk and chance and stepping over the edge. That’s what makes dating so exciting. You can’t experience that if you’re playing it too safe.

So if you’re having trouble finding men attractive then ask yourself, what are you afraid of? And then dive into the next date. You just might surprise yourself.

The bottom line is: You have to take a risk when it comes to love.

The hard truth is it’s very difficult to feel any kind of connection if your walls are up because you cannot be open and available to the person across from you.

I would look at how your fantasies are holding you back from building a real, emotionally naked connection.

XO,

The Five Qualities to Look For in a Man

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Most of us have a long list of traits that we’re looking for in a partner, from general traits – smart, funny, kind – to specific skills – loves to cook, likes to travel, likes dogs. But what are the most important qualities to prioritize in a man if you want to have a happy and successful relationship?

From my sixteen years of coaching, this is what I’ve discovered to be the top five qualities to look for in a man.

He’s a Man’s Man

Not to be confused with a boy in a man’s body, I’m talking about a real man. The kind of man who commands the space around him. The kind of man who’s strong, confident, and secure. And you can tell he possesses all these mature and masculine characteristics by the way he carries himself. He knows how to take action no matter what life throws at him. He’s decisive, and comfortable with taking charge of any situation. His protective and proactive nature makes you feel so safe and secure with him. You just know he will take care of you. That’s what I mean by a real man.

His Words and Actions Align

You want a man who talks the talk, meaning his words and actions match up. He doesn’t just say he’ll do something and then not follow through. No. The man you want doesn’t make up excuses. When he sets up a date with you, he makes sure it’s going to happen. He’s the doer and the planner of the relationship. He’s not just saying things to please you or get you into bed. He’s making sure that he’s coming through for you because he’s insistent on making the relationship build and work with you. You can trust that he means what he says because he comes through everytime.

He’s Done His Inner Work

The third thing that is going to separate the boys from the men is the psychological or spiritual work that your man has done. This means your ideal man has dug deep inside himself psychologically. He’s tried to make sense of his past, including his childhood trauma or any existing wounds, in order to figure out where he is today, why he’s the way he is, and how he can become more of an evolved and healed person. You also want a man who’s also done some spiritual work, which is more soul-related. Meaning he’s examined his purpose in life, as well as his connection with the Universe. He understands there’s something greater out there and consistently taps into it for guidance.

He’s Financially Reliable

The fact is, money is, and always will be, important in a relationship. Because of the control and power that money has on what we can or cannot have or do, like it or not, it does influence our romantic lives. You want a man who has money. You don’t want to be the woman stuck with the check time and again. It’s okay to pay for stuff sometimes, but you want to be treated, and wined and dined. You don’t want to worry whether or not your man can pay the bills. Besides, when a man can’t treat or provide for his woman, he tends not to feel great about himself, which doesn’t bode well for a healthy and balanced relationship. That’s why you want a man who’s able to pay his own way, and then some.

He’s Your Greatest Teacher

Lastly, but certainly not lastly, you want a man who’s your greatest teacher. Men love to talk about the things you know and they like to teach us things, which can be a powerful experience if you let it be so. Because you want someone who can expand your world and helps you to see things in a different and more beautiful way. My husband, Benjamin, for example, is a beautiful human being who lives a very principled life, so in many ways, he’s been my greatest teacher. In fact, recently I was going through some challenges, some growing pains in my life and I consulted my husband several times on some things that I really needed his input on. And, I was stunned by how beautifully insightful, and how wise this man is. So, you want your life experience to be profoundly transformed because of the relationship you share with your man.

So, there you have it: my five qualities to look for in a man. While there might be other factors that show later in relationships, like how they deal with conflicts, I really do believe these are the top qualities to look for in a man when it comes to having a beautiful, giving, and secure relationship.

XO,

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