It doesn’t take a scientist to know that the overwhelming majority of women can’t have a hot, casual, sexual relationship with a man and NOT GET HOOKED.
Almost without fail, my female clients who say they are just going to have a casual, sexual relationship with a guy until the right one comes along, get ATTACHED and even BURNED in the end.
Women have a hormone called OXYTOCIN that causes them to bond when they have sex with a man. For that reason, sex is BOTH an emotional and a physical experience for most women. Even if they go into the hookup situation thinking they WON’T get attached, women run the risk of developing feelings for the guy they are hooking up with and hoping that he will also develop feelings for them.
I am not saying that men never connect the physical and the emotional when it comes to sex. Of course, they do. But because they are not under the influence of oxytocin, men can SEPARATE the emotional and physical more easily, allowing them to have recreational sex without getting easily attached.
To further complicate things, men and women don’t seem to UNDERSTAND each other. Women get angry with men for remaining emotionless and unattached. Men get angry with women for developing feelings when they told their sexual partner from the START that the relationship was not going anywhere.
Many women make the mistake of thinking that, just because they can develop feelings for a man over time, a man will EVENTUALLY develop feelings for them. I am NOT saying hookups never turn into committed relationships, but most of the men I have coached in the past 15 years have told me that they know RIGHT AWAY if they have deeper feelings for a particular woman and want MORE than just sex with her.
My male clients rarely talk about falling SLOWLY in love with a woman. Men from my Facebook Group, Dating without Drama, echo this sentiment.
Many men have even told me that, if they really like a woman, they DON’T want to sleep with her right away. On my third date with my future husband, he said to me, “I really like you and I want to get to know you, and I don’t want to RUSH INTO ANYTHING, including sex.”
This was music to my ears.
Let’s be clear. There is nothing wrong with a woman having casual sex. But if you participate in it, you need to know that you run the very REAL risk of getting attached to someone you never intended to develop feelings for. Women need to tattoo this on their brains. If you engage in casual sex with men, DO NOT expect it to go anywhere. It can turn into something more, but this is the EXCEPTION rather than the rule.
Men and women are wired DIFFERENTLY. If a man tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship, you MUST believe him. Even if he is spending every night cuddling with you, giving you gifts, and making wild, passionate love to you; if he told you he isn’t interested in a relationship, you probably won’t EVER be anything more than a hookup for him.
Do not spin it into some kind of PERSONAL CHALLENGE thinking that you will be the one to REFORM him. Do not tell yourself that his actions are showing you that he really cares about you. Do not think that this is anything more for him than what it really is: SEX FOR SEX SAKE.
If you do not want your love life to be one long string of hookups and one-night stands, HOLD OUT for someone who tells you he is looking for love and open to exploring a relationship with YOU. Learn more about this in my Free Online Workshop!
If you have a tendency to jump into sex quickly, like before you have gone out on at least 8-10 actual dates with someone, make a vow to STOP doing that. If drinking lowers your resolve or makes you horny and leads you to do things you know you will regret, LIMIT YOURSELF to a single glass of wine when you start dating someone new or, better yet, refrain from drinking altogether.
You deserve to have it all—wild, passionate sex AND a lifelong commitment—but to have it, YOU have to be willing to raise YOUR bar and keep it there until you find a man who measures up.
XO,
